Joy.

More and more lately, I have been overwhelmed with how blessed I am. This time of year has always stressed me out for some reason, starting with my birthday and stretching into the New Year. I've been tempted to fall into that rhythm again, blaming it on lack of enough work, family issues, overwhelming situations, and the like, but if I am completely honest, I truly am blessed beyond all measure. THAT is what I am giving in to this month: joy. Rather than worry, I am going to be thankful for a change, and celebrate the breath in my lungs and the people around me. God has been whispering (maybe more like shouting) he loves me through so many small things lately, but especially the people in my life...

My amazing boyfriend and best friend proposed to me on my birthday..... I said yes. :) I am so excited to spend the rest of my days with him, to explore the vast and unknown, to laugh and cry together, to share the mystery and love and creativity of God with others, and to get to know him more with each day that comes. He, more than anyone else, has been the biggest example of God's love to me, and the biggest gift I've ever received. I threw caution to the wind and made that jump: moving out here to be closer to him... it has been the time of my life.

Here is to you, my darling Luke, and to the rest of eternity. I will always love you.

Confessions.

Once again, Papa, I've become as a spoiled child, grasping for more with gluttonous fervor,
oblivious to the blatant truth that you have provided more than enough for me.

As you did warn me, this world has weakened my heart. So easily I drift to my own comprehension and understanding, despite your promises to come through.

Kill this ugliness inside of me, Abba. This grasping in vain; this selfish ambition; this doubtful, calloused approach to situations.

This is my plea for grace.

Autumn.

It's coming up on one month since my cross-country move to Eugene, Oregon. My heart has been captured, by both an incredible soul (I am still struck by how lucky a girl I am), and also by this place. There is something about the air here, the thickness to it; or maybe it's the way the trees drape their full limbs ever so gracefully over the street and up toward the sky. The damp streets bear witness to the change of seasons here, promising the ever-close wet winter. The fallen leaves wisp along in the breeze; rustling against the sidewalk as a muffled whisper, one reminding me to enjoy these brief, beautiful moments we are gifted so richly with in this life. After a seemingly endless summer, it seems time has started moving incredibly fast with no sign of stopping. There is a part of me that is more than happy for that; ecstatic for the dreams I have, the undiscovered just around the corner, and the youthful feeling that being in love brings. But I also do know, without a doubt, I will one day look back on this season in my life, and long to return.

Love.

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
If I speak God's word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain 'jump', and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. No matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always 'me first',
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies."

1 Corinthians 13: 1-10, the Message bible translation

This is my prayer, for all that I am.

The Fear of God.

I heard this song for the first time a few weeks ago. There are days that it fits exactly how I feel at times about the world we live in, but I love that it ends on a redemptive note. And, thanks to 10-hour shifts at work and not enough sleep, this song has been stuck in my little brain all day.

"Dear God, why should I think You’re good in a world that’s falling apart?
The flags and lies, picket signs raised high, the endless enveloping dark
Now here we sit, drifting further from You, two thousand years on their way out
Now here I am, as I’ve grown to know You, still haunted by my fears and my doubts
Just a man, just a vapor, just a waste of your space
All the good that I’ve done is in spite of myself
I’m not sure that I can look You in Your face when I finally set foot in Your kingdom

Dear God, what went wrong? We hate ourselves, we hate our brother
We so desperately want to find our way, and all You say is "love one another"

And little babies starve to death, emaciated, out of breath
Unfaithful wives make vows untrue, husbands beat them black and blue
Junkies vomit in the streets, writhing, twitching in their skin
Sell themselves to die some more, rotting from the outside in
Parents steal the innocence from their children, scared and shaking
Drink away the guilt at night, brings quiet to the endless aching
And evil men boast on TV, swimming in a sea of wealth
While misery beds honest men, and lonely people kill themselves
And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I’ve no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."

You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen." --(Josh Dies)

New ink.

Thanks James!

Oregon....

...was amazing.

I'm quite sure my life won't be the same.