Mardi Gras rambling

Finally, we are back in Colorado after 2 days of driving back from New Orleans, Louisiana.

Mardi Gras was......
amazing.
frustrating.
eye-opening.
heart-breaking.
overrated.
stretching.

There were all types of people there, all of them God's kids, all of them reaching out for something more.
My heart was broken more times than I can count for those who roamed the streets, whatever their reason. More frustrating than the feeling that I felt like there was so much hurt and darkness around us everywhere was how God was being represented by some. On several occasions during our week there, I would pass a group of people holding signs speaking of God's wrath and judgement. One sign even listed all those who are supposedly going to hell; I don't over exaggerate when I say that it was ridiculous: "democrats, loud-mouthed women, used car salesmen (yes, really), homosexuals, liars, alcoholics....". The list went on and on and on, and these men professing that this is the God who loves us stood there, screaming at all who passed that they would burn in hell if they didn't repent.

Is this the Jesus I serve?

Last time I checked, Jesus walked this earth because he loved. He hung out with the prostitutes, the drunks, the tax collectors and cheaters. He didn't scream at the top of his lungs at them, threatening to dangle their souls from a stick over the pit of hell.

As I watched all of this unfold on the street, I watched the reactions of passersby.
Who would want to serve a god like that?

All of that frustration aside, we went without an agenda because we just wanted to hang out with people and meet them where they were at. There were so many I was able to talk to, to listen to, and you know what? The majority of the conversations didn't even revolve around salvation or christianity or anything spiritual (gasp!).

They were some of the most refreshing, real conversations I've had in a long time.

Having been raised in a church, that went against everything I was taught about "evangelism" and "ministering" to people. The closer I get to God, though, the more I realize that how we interact with people in our everyday lives should be like that: without an agenda. Who wants to hang out with someone when all they want is to get you to believe the way they do? That's not relationship; it's manipulation. And frankly, it makes me want to wash my hands of western Christianity.....

please note I did not say I want to wash my hands of God
or of any of that jazz.

But ,

I'm finding that so many of us (yes, I am guilty of it!) "Christians" hide behind our "holier than thou" mask and never step out of our comfort zones to truly love others.

Why?

Are we too comfortable to give a moment of our time to truly listen?
Is being so judgemental really that fulfilling?

Please forgive me if any of this sounds like angry rambling or nonsense. This week has just been such a reminder of how much hurt there is in the world, and for too long we have turned our backs on it.

Let's be the generation that changes that.

Loss.

I think of all the human experiences, death is the least comprehensible, the most devastating. As people, we hear of death and tragedy every single day. You can't open a newspaper or turn on the television, the radio, the internet, or even speak with people without hearing of some nameless pain. So often we move on with our lives, pausing for only a moment to empathize. Then we experience loss in our own lives, or in the lives of ones close, and the world stops.

The older I get, the more death I see all around, the more I find myself looking at my own life, wondering whether I am truly making the most of every single day. Am I loving those around me selflessly? Am I extending compassion and love to the broken, devastated people I see each day? Am I truly giving all of myself, my dreams, plans, thoughts, motives and desires to God? I say I follow him with all my heart, but so often I have to wonder if I am only babbling lies that make me feel better.

I went home last weekend to mourn the death of Donald Wood and see my beautiful Sandra, the wife he left behind. Seeing a dear friend and being able to just be there with her was a blessing, but the whole weekend screamed reminders of the frailty of life at me. I want to say I left with a complete peace and sense of God's faithfulness in my heart, which is partially true, but to be honest, I left home emotionally dehydrated in a sense, and still feel the same even as I type this. Yes, God is faithful and his love does endure forever, even through devastation, please don't get me wrong. There is just that humanness we all inherited that begs God to answer the question of "why?". I'm finding sometimes it's just not our place to understand.

Psalm 121
I look up to the mountains--does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps. The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night. The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.

If those of you reading this are ones who pray, here are some things I could use some help with from upstairs:
--The remaining $2,500 I need in less than a month for Albania. God is faithful, no doubt, but pray that He will lay it on hearts to pour out support so we may help those in human trafficking situations.
--My school is leaving in a little over a week for New Orleans, Louisiana to do some work during Mardi Gras. Pray that we would be effective and represent Jesus as he truly is, not as some present him to be.
--Direction for me after this school is over. I was officially accepted to The French Pastry School in Chicago, IL and my heart's desire is truly to go there and one day open a vegan, organic bakery from which the profits would go to benefit social justice programs (anti-human trafficking, etc.), so by buying cupcakes you'd be potentially saving lives. :) I just want to be used by God in whatever way He wants, and if it means laying this down, I will, but for forever something inside of me has been tugging at my heart to go.
--Encouragement. I need it these days.

I am off to do homework. I pray that God would melt your heart today with his amazing love and grace. I love you guys. Stay in touch.