Benjamin-brother-bear.

Home.

I still miss Colorado. I'm still antsy. Some things never change.

But,

In a couple short weeks, we will be celebrating the two year anniversary of Ben punching death in the face. Tonight we had a little family discussion about his recovery and some of his current concerns, something we try to do often but doesn't happen nearly enough.

I was so overwhelmed with...
joy.

I'm such a nerd, I know.

Really, though, I stood there in our little house packed with all seven us, beaming because I certainly don't deserve them at all.

I looked at the brother that doctors said may never walk again, may never be independent, probably never function as a normal human being, so on and so forth. Of all the circumstances in my life that proves God's ridiculous faithfulness, this one takes the cake. It defies human logic--falling four stories and surviving to tell about it. It still dumbfounds me at times.
The past week I've glanced back over these past two years, over the never-ending hospital scene, the therapies, the doctors, the shock, the grief, the screaming at God.
But looking back, I realized for the first time I don't feel the distant heaviness that set itself into my bones. Being here, this house, the memories, the constant reminder of God's radical love for us that manifests through Ben every day...
it has been bringing this toothy grin to my face.

To be able to laugh until I practically choke, with the brother who by human reasoning should be dead...I can't believe I get to live this life.

Thank you to all who've put up with me through this; whether you prayed for my family and Ben, let me bawl my eyes out, listened patiently while I rambled my confusion, looked past my fickle attitude and loved me anyway...this journey would've sucked without you.

Dang you, dial-up.

I was all prepared to upload some glorious photos, but alas, dial-up is slower than molasses in January....
they'll come, eventually.

Being home has been a challenge, but truthfully, I'm up for it. Thank you a thousand times over to all of you who supported me these past 3 months, whether financially, prayerfully, or sending me cheery little bits of sunshine in the mail. You've truly been an expression of God's love to me.

In other news, the job search continues, very unsuccessfully so far. The past few days, in my constant free time, I've been reading The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. I saw this book sitting on my mother's bookshelf a few months ago, and I slightly scoffed at the title, honestly. Perhaps I am just cynical about "romance" or whatnot; perhaps I am tired of the same old Christian books putting me to sleep....either way, I didn't give a second thought until just a few days ago, when leaving the house (stupid spring blizzards) was out of the question.

Anyway, read it if you haven't. It melted my cynical little heart faster than I would've thought.
Here's a little snippet:
"All of us have had poignant ecstasies of heart over a love affair that subsequently turned into immobilizing pain and shock as we realized that our lover could actually know us and yet leave us for another. But have you ever dated someone and you just knew, from the first time you met her, that she was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? As you laughed and talked and marveled together, you felt your love deepen to a heart bond that you never wanted to free yourself from. And have you ever been shocked to find one day that the one you loved so deeply and who you thought loved you just as passionately, had been dating other guys, and moreover, was spending more and more of her time with your worst enemy? Have you ever had to literally turn a lover over to a mortal enemy to allow her to find out for herself what his intentions toward her really were? Have you ever had to lie in bed knowing she was believing lies and was having sex with him every night? Have you ever sat helplessly by in a parking lot, while your enemy and his friends took turns raping your lover even as you sat nearby, unable to win her heart enough so that she would trust you to rescue her? Have you ever called this one you loved for so long, even the day after her rape, and asked her if she was ready to come back to you, only to have her say her heart was still captured by your enemy? Have you ever watched your lover's beauty slowly diminish and fade in a haze of alcohol, drugs, occult practices, and infant sacrifice until she is no longer recognizable in body or soul? Have you ever loved one so much that you even send your only son to talk with her about your love for her, knowing that he will be killed by her? (And in spite of knowing all of this, he was willing to do it because he loved her too, and believed you were meant for each other.) All this and more God has endured because of his refusal to stop loving us."

I've been missing the point for so long. I think a whole bunch of us have.

Farewells.

I don't really know how to begin this post.
My last full day at YWAM Denver is tomorrow, and I will be leaving for South Dakota on Saturday.

So bittersweet.

It truly seems like I only just arrived here with my clumsy, overstuffed bags and a hopeful expectation of what these 3 months would hold. And now here I am, a matter of hours away from saying my goodbyes to some of those dearest to me, and all I can think of is how incredible this journey has been. I look at who I was just three months ago, and I can't even begin to sort out all the change that's happened in my heart. I'm blown away by the things that God has been doing in such a short amount of time, and I am waiting with hopeful expectation to see what fruit will come of this time here.

As for what's next...... oh boy.
I have the option of living with some friends here in Denver, but I also have a desire to come home for a bit. Either way, I will be working (yay for the glorious job search! ... kind of) and saving for a while, until.....well, until God tells me what's next. I have a couple options that I'm equally passionate about, but no clear direction about which path to take first.
It'll either be a pastry school in Chicago, starting in July, or a couseling school/internship in London, England, in the fall. Oh, the decesions. If you remember, please be keeping these in your prayers....I need some clear direction!

But for now, I really truly miss Rapid City. (I never in a hundred years thought I would say that). There's just something about the place you grew up and all the memories that cling to it.... *sigh*. God really has a sense of humor with these things. I have been praying for his heart on some issues, and for the first time, I truly have a desire to see my community changed for the better..... oh South Dakota, you still have a piece of my heart.

I cannot wait to see all of your lovely faces and hear about what's been going on in your lives these past few months. I'll be home on Saturday night! Love you all.

Stare at the Sun.

This song has been playing over and over again in my head today...

and it totally sums up how I've been feeling. It's an oldie but a goodie.

I sit here clutching useless lists

And keys for doors that don't exist

I crack my teeth on pearls

I tear into the history

Show me what it means to be in this world

Cause I am due for a miracle

I'm waiting for a sign 

And I'll stare straight into the sun

And I won't close my eyes 

Until I understand or go blind

I see the parts but not the whole

I study saints and scholars both

No perfect plan unfurls

Do I trust my heart or just my mind

Why is truth so hard to find in this world

Cause I am due for a miracle

I'm waiting for a sign

I'll stare straight into the sun

And I won't close my eyes

I know that there's a point I've missed

A shrine or stone I haven't kissed

A scar that never graced my wrist

A mirror that never met my fist

But I can't help but

Feeling like I'm due for a miracle

I'm waiting for a sign

I'll stare straight into the sun

And I won't close my eyes

(Thrice)

....

If you get the chance, shout a prayer out to Dad for me. I'm needing some guidance and peace.

Thanks guys.

Probably the longest post of my life.

It's so funny how the little promises we make ourselves seem to get swept over and forgotten with our busy lives.

Like,

"I am going to exercise every day", "I am going to wake up 30 minutes early each morning to have time with God", "I am going to reach out to others more, be more compassionate, etc....", "I am going to UPDATE MY BLOG for my wonderful supporters at least once a week so they know what is going on in my life..."

My goodness.... at least perfection isn't a requirement to have friends these days. I'd be one lonely little gal.

So here I am, 2 weeks since my last post, munching merrily away at saltine crackers, deciding what to update all of you on. I came to the conclusion that since so many of you have poured so much into my life, I will not cheat you out of what has been going on these past few weeks by glossing it over with hurried cliches and tacky updates.

Well, I have 10 days left in beloved Colorado. I am trying to savor each moment and cherish those around me...the family that I have developed these past 2 1/2 months that is closer than I could ever imagine they would be. Life flies by so fast; it feels like I just got here and now I am already getting ready to leave soon. Oh the mushy emotion of it all! :D

Please forgive me, for a have a feeling this will turn into a rambling novel-length post.

The week after we got back from Louisiana (which was more amazing than words can describe, despite the rambling I posted last time), we had Scott Smith, a YWAM director from Alaska, speak on spiritual gifts and pour so much of his knowledge, love, and wisdom into our lives in the week he was here. We were able to not only learn about what is available to all of us, but also to put all of it into practice...we had the opportunity to prophesy over one another, and it was ridiculously accurate. I'm learning more and more how much the Holy Spirit wants to minister to others through me, in crazy cool ways that I never expected. He also brought up the point: whatever we are rooted in will produce fruit, whether it's good or bad. It opened my eyes to how much unforgiveness I've held onto that has been producing ugly, nasty fruit in my life and I didn't even realize it. Any Showbread fans out there? They sum it up beautifully: It is so that my transgressions have born a withered fruit. The sun has scorched the rising plants; alas, they have no root."

My favorite part of his teaching, though, was how he spoke on the thumbprint of God in everyone's life, both on an individual level and a cultural level. As the "church," are we seeing people and cultures as valuable beings who carry a distinct, rare fingerprint of God that no one else carries, or are we seeing them for what they've done, or for the extreme cultural differences between us and them? It sounds like warm, fuzzy Christianese at first, but it's truly where God is asking us to love unconditionally. It's not always easy....

Are we seeing the prostitute as cheap and dirty, or as a daughter our God is longing to have back in his arms?

How about the men who are selling girls into the sex trafficking industry? Are they the dirty pigs we perceive them to be, or the broken and hurting children of a God who have a distinct call on their lives he wants to redeem?

Or what about the Native Americans we intermingle with everyday? Are they truly the poor, drug-dealing people popular society is playing them out to be, or a culture that God created with a purpose, that can worship him like no other people on this earth?

We are missing out on so much about God if we are dismissing people based on our prejudice and ignorance.

This past week, we had Dan Thoemke, a local pastor in Golden, CO, speak on community transformation...what it requires of us, what it looks like, etc. It was such an inspiring week; Dan has this passion for the community he lives in, but he doesn't just talk about it...he truly is an active part of the community in so many areas, because he believes that change is possible. It made me look at my own life a bit, as I am almost always the one to wonder what is next on this surprising journey of life, rather than pouring all of my heart and efforts into the place God has called me to for that season. It's almost hard to imagine, but if the community of believers in every town/city/village would begin to intercede for where they are and truly reach out, we would see this world flipped upside down. I get some Jesus chills just thinking about that.....

But it all starts with us. We can't expect and pray for change if there is still junk that needs to be dealt with in our own hearts.

We also finished our 24/7 prayer room this week. A little background.... this whole quarter my school have been researching the Native American tribes of North America, which culminated in this prayer room for the whole YWAM Denver community to pray through. My group researched and presented the Sioux tribe, which I found out later to be no coincidence, given the fact I grew up around them. You see, God laid on our hearts to really focus on the injustices done throughout our country's history to the Sioux. It ripped my heart to shreds. I learned more than I could even process. It's amazing how you can spend your whole life around a group of people, and be so ignorant to not know their history. We hear so much about the Holocaust, for example, but it seems little is as well-known as what happened to the Native Americans. I encourage you to research it a bit if you are unaware of what our government put them through. Anyway, so our part of the prayer room was about repentance on behalf of the government and the church, which was powerful, and seeing the responses from all the students and staff on the base was incredible, yet....like I said above, transformation in a people has to start with individuals. And what God showed me was that despite learning about all the crap that Natives have been put through, and despite doing an entire prayer room focused on repentance of all things, there was still this ridiculous part of my heart that I've held onto all my life: PREJUDICE. There is so much ingrained into you as you grow up, and I seriously had to do some heart work and repenting on my own behalf of the terrible things I'd assumed about the Native American culture, just because of the way I was raised. It almost made me ashamed to be white.

Anyway, those were a couple of super intense weeks, and this week is our final week of teaching: spiritual warfare. I've heard so so much about the subject, as I'm sure many of you have as well, but our teacher, Phil Gazley, puts a completely different spin on all of it. Very paradigm shifting for sure....more updates on that to come after the week is over I'm sure.

I will be home sometime on the 28th.

Albania didn't work out, due to both finances and God just saying "I've got something else for you."

So....

so many tentative plans....

I got accepted to the French Pastry School in Chicago, which starts in July. My dream for all of this is to open an organic, gourmet bakery from which the majority of the profits would go directly to social justice programs (anti-human trafficking, women shelters, anti-poverty programs, etc.)...so essentially, people will be saving lives by buying cupcakes. :D I'm pretty stoked. I've been kind of stressed about the tuition though ($20,000) plus the cost of living in Chicago for 6 months....eh....but God has been speaking to me about it, and I know that this is a dream he's put on my heart for reason. He's like "Bethany, 20,000 is like pocket change to me. TRUST ME." So I have been. And I know he's going to rock my stinking face off with this.

Between now and then, though, I may be going to Seattle for a bit and then down to Mexico in the spring for a couple weeks...so please be praying about direction for all of my crazy plans....

Well, my hands are cramping and I think I need a nap. Thank you if you read this far. Can't wait to see all of you again. Love you guys.

Mardi Gras rambling

Finally, we are back in Colorado after 2 days of driving back from New Orleans, Louisiana.

Mardi Gras was......
amazing.
frustrating.
eye-opening.
heart-breaking.
overrated.
stretching.

There were all types of people there, all of them God's kids, all of them reaching out for something more.
My heart was broken more times than I can count for those who roamed the streets, whatever their reason. More frustrating than the feeling that I felt like there was so much hurt and darkness around us everywhere was how God was being represented by some. On several occasions during our week there, I would pass a group of people holding signs speaking of God's wrath and judgement. One sign even listed all those who are supposedly going to hell; I don't over exaggerate when I say that it was ridiculous: "democrats, loud-mouthed women, used car salesmen (yes, really), homosexuals, liars, alcoholics....". The list went on and on and on, and these men professing that this is the God who loves us stood there, screaming at all who passed that they would burn in hell if they didn't repent.

Is this the Jesus I serve?

Last time I checked, Jesus walked this earth because he loved. He hung out with the prostitutes, the drunks, the tax collectors and cheaters. He didn't scream at the top of his lungs at them, threatening to dangle their souls from a stick over the pit of hell.

As I watched all of this unfold on the street, I watched the reactions of passersby.
Who would want to serve a god like that?

All of that frustration aside, we went without an agenda because we just wanted to hang out with people and meet them where they were at. There were so many I was able to talk to, to listen to, and you know what? The majority of the conversations didn't even revolve around salvation or christianity or anything spiritual (gasp!).

They were some of the most refreshing, real conversations I've had in a long time.

Having been raised in a church, that went against everything I was taught about "evangelism" and "ministering" to people. The closer I get to God, though, the more I realize that how we interact with people in our everyday lives should be like that: without an agenda. Who wants to hang out with someone when all they want is to get you to believe the way they do? That's not relationship; it's manipulation. And frankly, it makes me want to wash my hands of western Christianity.....

please note I did not say I want to wash my hands of God
or of any of that jazz.

But ,

I'm finding that so many of us (yes, I am guilty of it!) "Christians" hide behind our "holier than thou" mask and never step out of our comfort zones to truly love others.

Why?

Are we too comfortable to give a moment of our time to truly listen?
Is being so judgemental really that fulfilling?

Please forgive me if any of this sounds like angry rambling or nonsense. This week has just been such a reminder of how much hurt there is in the world, and for too long we have turned our backs on it.

Let's be the generation that changes that.

Loss.

I think of all the human experiences, death is the least comprehensible, the most devastating. As people, we hear of death and tragedy every single day. You can't open a newspaper or turn on the television, the radio, the internet, or even speak with people without hearing of some nameless pain. So often we move on with our lives, pausing for only a moment to empathize. Then we experience loss in our own lives, or in the lives of ones close, and the world stops.

The older I get, the more death I see all around, the more I find myself looking at my own life, wondering whether I am truly making the most of every single day. Am I loving those around me selflessly? Am I extending compassion and love to the broken, devastated people I see each day? Am I truly giving all of myself, my dreams, plans, thoughts, motives and desires to God? I say I follow him with all my heart, but so often I have to wonder if I am only babbling lies that make me feel better.

I went home last weekend to mourn the death of Donald Wood and see my beautiful Sandra, the wife he left behind. Seeing a dear friend and being able to just be there with her was a blessing, but the whole weekend screamed reminders of the frailty of life at me. I want to say I left with a complete peace and sense of God's faithfulness in my heart, which is partially true, but to be honest, I left home emotionally dehydrated in a sense, and still feel the same even as I type this. Yes, God is faithful and his love does endure forever, even through devastation, please don't get me wrong. There is just that humanness we all inherited that begs God to answer the question of "why?". I'm finding sometimes it's just not our place to understand.

Psalm 121
I look up to the mountains--does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps. The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night. The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.

If those of you reading this are ones who pray, here are some things I could use some help with from upstairs:
--The remaining $2,500 I need in less than a month for Albania. God is faithful, no doubt, but pray that He will lay it on hearts to pour out support so we may help those in human trafficking situations.
--My school is leaving in a little over a week for New Orleans, Louisiana to do some work during Mardi Gras. Pray that we would be effective and represent Jesus as he truly is, not as some present him to be.
--Direction for me after this school is over. I was officially accepted to The French Pastry School in Chicago, IL and my heart's desire is truly to go there and one day open a vegan, organic bakery from which the profits would go to benefit social justice programs (anti-human trafficking, etc.), so by buying cupcakes you'd be potentially saving lives. :) I just want to be used by God in whatever way He wants, and if it means laying this down, I will, but for forever something inside of me has been tugging at my heart to go.
--Encouragement. I need it these days.

I am off to do homework. I pray that God would melt your heart today with his amazing love and grace. I love you guys. Stay in touch.